Miss Nevada has been stripped of her crown for posing for naked pictures a few days after Miss USA ran in to trouble for her drinking and partying.
Competition is heating up. I can’t wait to see what Miss Universe does!
- Jay Leno
Obesity may be caused not by eating habits but by bacteria in one’s guts, according to a study underwritten by the American Society of Gluttons.
- Andy Borowitz
Scientists are saying robots of the future will do most of the work in America.
Not long before the American robots start to outsource most of the work to the robots in India.
Heard about this feud between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump?
I just don’t know who to root for in this, the macho loud mouth with funny hair or the other macho loud mouth with funny hair.
- David Letterman
New Yorkers are now living longer than ever. The average New Yorker lives to be 78 years-old.
That means a New Yorker born in 2006 will live long enough to see us get out of Iraq.
- David Letterman
A Komodo dragon has astonished the scientific world by producing eight viable eggs without any assistance from a male.
In other news, Mary Cheney and her partner Heather Poe have astonished their unscientific and slightly puzzled fans by producing a baby without any assistance from the Komodo dragon.
A 3-month-old baby was accidentally left behind by her parents at a Toys "R" Us store in Texas.
Luckily the baby was found in Aisle 4 and purchased by Angelina Jolie.
- Conan O'Brien
Sylvester Stallone's "Rocky Balboa" is in theatres this week.
Rocky is getting old. In the next sequel he gets a new hip.
- David Letterman
An overweight passenger is suing Air France because they told him he was too big to fit in a single seat and would need to get two seats.
What makes it even worse is that the two seats he needed were both window seats.
- Jay Leno
The new Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates flew to Iraq to have a first hand look at the situation.
When he got there his first words were "Uh oh!"
- Conan O'Brien
Thieves in Houghton county have stolen an inflatable Grinch figure from an apartment complex.
Sheriff Brian McLean says he's heard of the Grinch stealing Christmas, but never someone stealing the Grinch out of Christmas.
Ten NBA players were ejected after a brawl between the Denver Nuggets and New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden.
President Bush is appointing an 'NBA Study Group' to make forward-looking recommendations to reduce NBA violence. He said, "I look forward to getting their bipartisan recommendations and then ignoring them".
The movie “Blood Diamond” has raised the issue of 'conflict diamonds' that are used to fund civil wars.
Bush objected to the use of the term 'civil war' and suggested calling the diamonds 'mild-disagreement diamonds' instead.
Time magazine has announced the "Person of the Year" and it is everyone.
Everyone's the winner this year but somehow Al Gore still managed to come in second.
- Jay Leno
Bush calls Iraq main front in war on gay marriage.
Accuses Iran, Syria of sending wedding planners over border.
- Andy Borowitz
Taco Bell's E. coli outbreak has made over 150 people sick.
Researchers report a violent outbreak of greed among trial lawyers. Googling 'Taco Bell' yields more trial lawyers ads than Taco ads.
The Pentagon held a farewell party for Donald Rumsfeld in Washington.
Everyone said the party was a disaster, but Rumsfeld insists that it was a success and the party is still going on. No one can figure out how to get out of the party.
- Craig Ferguson
Researchers have found that humans can smell as well as dogs.
Dogs are not very impressed and said "Get back to us once you can identify a person after smelling their behind".
Researchers have found that humans sense of smell is surprisingly strong and can track a chocolate scent trail while blindfolded.
Controlled tests to track a broccoli scent trail by blindfolded humans were less conclusive.
Researchers in England have found a link between being vegetarian and high IQ.
Animal studies were inconclusive after the crocodile ate the monkey during the IQ testing. Only finding was that "Food higher in IQ may cause bigger burps".
Time magazine has announced the "Person of the Year" and it is "You" for the explosive growth and influence of user-generated Internet content.
Voting was extremely close this year. Runners-up "I" and "Them" are disappointed but happy for "You".
Ten NBA players were ejected after a brawl between the Denver Nuggets and New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden. Commentators are calling it the worst NBA brawl since the Pacers-Pistons 'Malice at the Palace' brawl in 2004.
Players from both teams are said to be angry and disappointed that this brawl will not have a cool name as it's really difficult to rhyme anything with 'Square Garden'.
World Meteorological Organisation is reporting that 2006 is set to be the sixth warmest year on record continuing the trend of global warming.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is planning a conference denying global warming ever happened after hosting an international conference denying that the Holocaust ever happened.
2006 is set to be the sixth warmest year on record continuing the trend of global warming.
Al Gore issued a statement, "The sixth year of the Bush presidency is colder than the sixth year of the Clinton presidency. Even when it comes to global warming, our team was vastly more efficient."
- Richard Bachman, Public Eye
Nicole Richie could face mandatory jail time as this is her second DUI.
Nicole is terrified of the prospect of jail. She's heard in jail you get three meals a day.
- Jay Leno
Over 250 people have fallen sick after eating at an Indiana Olive Garden.
Experts say that this may ruin Indiana's reputation as a great place for Italian food.
- Conan O'Brien
Incoming head of the Intelligence committee had an awkward moment when he admitted that he didn't know the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite.
Luckily both Sunnis and Shiites have a sense of humor about stuff like this.
- Conan O'Brien
Ted Haggard is undergoing "reparative therapy" to cure him from being gay through counselling.
Pastors are counselling Ted to cure him of his gayness or at least dial it down to a Ryan Seacrest level.
NASCAR champion Jeff Gordon announced that his wife is pregnant.
"Ladies, if you are pregnant, this is the man you want driving you to the hospital. With his pit crew they should have the labor done in 42 seconds."
- Jay Leno
Maintenance workers at Turkish Airlines celebrated finishing a job early by sacrificing and cooking a camel at Istanbul airport.
American union workers are stunned by this news - maintenance workers finished a job early!
- Jay Leno
President Bush is hosting a summit on malaria this week.
He has promised not to invade malaria.
- David Letterman
In a new Iowa poll of potential Democratic candidates, John Edwards came out on top with 36%.
Followed very closely by "who cares" at 34%.
Young people who cook at home are much healthier than their peers according to a new study.
People who eat food cooked by young people at home not always healthier.
Elizabeth "Lizzie" Bolden, recognized as the world's oldest person, died at the age of 116.
The world’s second-oldest person is starring in “Rocky Balboa.”
- Andy Borowitz
Nintendo has a 'Wii bit of problem' with the Wii straps as the new wandlike controller has been flying out of users' hands.
Nintendo is replacing straps to get the situation under control before it gets 'out of hand'. President Bush warned against setting an artificial timetable for replacing the straps.
Researchers in Wisconsin have found that obesity may be contagious.
I have heard that you can get it from spending too much time with food.
- Jay Leno
The creator of Poppin' Fresh, the Pillsbury Doughboy, died today at the age of 91.
He will be cremated at 400º for 20 minutes
- David Letterman
According to a new study, when you have sex, it burns around 200 calories.
So instead of going on a Jenny Craig diet you can just go on Jenny Craig.
- David Letterman
Sylvester Stallone's "Rocky Balboa" is being released next week. Stallone claims that he had to abstain from sex during the making of the sequel.
"Hey Sylvester! How about abstaining from making sequels - have all the sex you want"
- David Letterman
Ted Haggard is undergoing "reparative therapy" to cure him from being gay through counselling.
When asked how the treatment was going, Ted replied, "Fabulous!"
The Iraq study group has published their report and it says that, "Our judgement was impaired and we are heading in the wrong direction".
Wait a minute - I think that was about Nicole Ritchie.
- Jay Leno
Dennis Kucinich has announced that he’s running for President in 2008.
In a related story, somewhere a tree fell in the forest.
- David Letterman
Gift cards are big this year. Half of American consumers are buying gift cards this Christmas.
The other half are women. - Jay Leno
Nicole Richie was arrested for a DUI after she was driving the wrong way on the freeway.
Police knew Richie was going the wrong way because she was headed towards a restaurant.
- Conan O'Brien
The movie "Unaccompanied Minors" opened this week and the reviews are in.
"It's the greatest movie ever made" according to Mark Foley.
- Jay Leno
Mel Gibson's 'Apolcalypto' is the number one movie in America this week.
The movie chronicles the collapse of the Mayan civilization, and you know who Mel is blaming for that.
- David Letterman
Royal Caribbean's world's largest cruise ship is being held in port because over 380 people got gastrointestinal illness.
The ship is being renamed 'S.S. Taco Bell' - Conan O'Brien
Kevin Federline is scheduled to compete in an upcoming pro-wrestling event.
I never thought I would ever say this, but I expected better out of pro-wrestling.
- Conan O'Brien
Smog is getting really bad in Tehran, Iran.
Apparently it’s so bad that scientists can’t even see the nuclear bomb they are working on right in front of them. - Jay Leno
Scientists have come up with a way to convert suctioned fat from liposuction to biodiesel fuel.
Which means that if Al Gore keeps eating he can save the planet all by himself.
- Jay Leno
Tori Spelling has signed a deal with a publisher to write her memoirs.
Its going to be called 'The Five people you meet in a Plastic Surgeon's office'
- Jay Leno
One of the White House Christmas trees fell over yesterday.
That's what happens when you lean over too far to the right - Jay Leno
Bush said to the fallen Christmas Tree, "You're doing a heck of a job, Tree" - Conan O'Brien
Taco Bell is pulling green onions from all its outlets in response to the E. coli outbreak that has made over 150 people sick
If that doesn't work they will try removing the green meat, and then the green chicken
- Jay Leno
'Survivor' winner Richard Hatch, who is serving more than four years in prison for failing to pay taxes on his $1 million prize, appealed his convictions Thursday.
...Hatch is asking to have all the convictions overturned so he can star in the new reality show 'Reality contestants who really learned about reality behind bars'.
...The court voted to send him to four more years on 'Lost' island.
Today is the 65th anniversary of Pearl Harbour
Or as President Bush refers to it the "Day that shall live in Infirmary"
- Conan O'Brien
The Iraq study group has published their report after eight months of work which concludes that the current strategy is not working.
The group suggest building international consensus by launching a "new diplomatic offensive," unlike the old strategy, which was simply to be diplomatically offensive. - Jon Stewart
It took them eight months to figure this out! Are we paying them by the hour? - Jay Leno
The 'Personal Breathalyzer', a personal device for measuring blood alcohol content, is a hot gift this Christmas.
If your friends are giving you a Breathalyzer for Christmas, you don't need a blood alcohol measuring device, you need an intervention
Hottest Christmas toy in Russia this year - 'Poison me Elmo'
- Jay Leno
A bogus priest and his girlfriend tricked an Austrian pensioner out of $200 after promising him a naked bathtub session with the woman.
...The Church has a problem if crooks are pretending to be priests to have credibility for a sex crime.
Two Swedish border control officers risk disciplinary action for keeping a photo collection of "exceptionally beautiful" women that passed through their international checkpoint.
...Ex-President Jimmy Carter is not available to head the internation task force to deal with the border infractions -- Bill Clinton has volunteered to check things out.
Lexus has introduced a new car LS 460 that has a self-parking option - it can park by itself.
In fact, the self-parking system is so realistic that it will park the car, change all the settings and steal all the change.
- Jay Leno
P. Diddy who used to be Puff Daddy and Sean "Puffy" Combs before he became P. Diddy wants to be the next James Bond.
To get ready for the role, P. Diddy is changing his name again to '00 Diddy' and the movie is going to be called 'The man with the golden diddy'
- David Letterman
In St. Louis a women shot her husband because he got her a warm beer.
"That's amazing - not that she shot her husband over beer but that there are husbands who will get up and get their wives a beer"
- Jay Leno
Barry Bonds is in in Florida at the baseball winter meeting and says he is looking for a job.
"Good news -- Merck and Pfizer have offered Bonds a job." - Conan O'Brien
British Airways has come under fire after they moved a man who died from a heart attack in coach to first-class.
"Even dead British Airways passengers get treated better than live people on Southwest!" - Jay Leno
...Answers the age-old question "What does one have to do to get an upgrade these days?" - QuikSmile
Vice president Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary Cheney is now pregnant.
President Bush when told about Dick Cheney’s gay daughter being pregnant, said "It's a Christmas miracle!"
Haliburton has been awarded a no-bid contract to deliver the baby
- Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton is getting ready to to launch her campaign and will be on the road non-stop for the next two years.
"How will Bill ever manage stuck home alone for two years? He will be heartbroken."
- Jay Leno
Jessica Simpson's had a mini-meltdown during a tribute to Dolly Parton and stumbled over the lyrics of Parton's "Nine To Five" hit.
"Poor Jessica Simpson, of all the songs they could have picked she got one with math in it - no wonder she had trouble with it".
- Jay Leno
NASA is planning to build a base on the moon.
...when asked where on the moon did they plan to put the base, NASA said 'between the two Starbucks'. - Conan O'Brien
...President Bush issued a statement that we will only stay on moon for as long as it takes for the moon-people to govern themselves - Jay Leno
Germany is going to ban smoking in trains, public buildings and discotheques.
...in fact Germany is so pleased with the smoking ban that they are considering extending it to Poland, France and Czechoslovakia.
Jay Leno
A 120 year old woman in India claims smoking pot every day is the secret to her long life
...in fact the only downside is that she still lives with her parents - Jay Leno
...no has has the heart to tell this poor stoned woman that she's only 35 - Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton is considering a presidential bid and spoke to the Democratic party faithful last night
...Bill was not there
- Jay Leno
George Bush presidential library selection is down to three schools, Southern Methodist University, Baylor University and the University of Dallas
...and the losing school will get to host the presidential library
- Jay Leno
$28,205 room hotel drops price
Pingxi Royal Mansion luxury hotel near Beijing which launched what is believed to be Asia's most expensive room four months ago has dropped its prices after taking no bookings.
...in other news, after finding no WMDs in Iraq for four years, Cheney has dropped the search and is now looking for an equally difficult to find exit strategy
Gywneth's 'Brits are more civilised' comment angers Americans
American actress Gwyneth Paltrow said recently that 'Brits are more civilised' and dinner party chat in London is far more interesting, intelligent and civilised than back at home.
...White House spokesman Tony Snow disagreed with the use of term civil-ised as 'you have not yet had a situation where you have two clearly defined and opposing groups vying for the correct spelling of the term'
Crete's own Flintstone House
Vince Schrementi, the lifelong Crete resident, has spent the past six years and an estimated 3,200 truckloads of concrete building and finishing a sprawling three-bedroom home that his brother-in-law tagged "The Flintstone House."
...yet another cretin with no taste
Earlier today, President Bush met with the head of one of Iraq's Shiite political parties.
-- There was an awkward moment when Bush asked him 'Are you the Shiite-head?'
- Conan O'Brien
Lindsay Lohan's publicist anounced today that she has been going to AA meetings.
-- Doesn’t anyone recognize the fact that the second word of AA is Anonymous?
Craig Ferguson
Bush administration to be cartoon
Comedy Central will show "Lil' Bush: Resident of the United States," a cartoon satire that re-imagines President Bush and key executives in his administration as elementary school misfits.
...Dick Cheney has asked for cartoon-deferment so he can go shoot some friends
...shouldn't it say 'Bush administration to be even more cartoonish'?
Bonus:
Lil' George Bush sat on his tush
Watching Iraq burn and fry,
He kicked out Rumsfeld and begged for Dad's help
And said "Mission accompoli?"
Wizards in the Windy City
Harry Potter fans are scoping venues in Chicago for a planned weeklong Harry Potter-themed conference.
...conference to conclude with lecture on 'Defense Against the Dark Arts' by Severus Snape and 'You really need to get a life' by Albus Dumbledore (free if dressed in Harry Potter or Star Trek costume).
Chinese Couples Tie The Knot In Coal Mines
Chinese coal mine best known for workplace hazards and fatal accidents has conducted the highest number of simultaneous weddings held underground in a bid to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.
...apparently matrimony is the latest hazard of working in a Chinese coal mine.
...in other news, Royal Caribbean is denying rumours that it was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records for the most number of passengers getting sick on the world's largest cruise ship.
Paris, Britney Fuel Web Frenzy Over Antics
Briteny Spears caused an Internet sensation when she apparently forgot to wear underpants for one public appearance with Hilton on Friday night
...it's official, the popular schoolyard rhyme has been updated to:
'I see Paris I see France I see Briteny without her underpants'
..."I taw a puddy twat", innocent bystander B. Tweety when asked what they saw
more >>
Britney >>
I saw a photo of the Bush twins today, not the President’s daughters, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears
Britney's recent photos got her a new endorsement deal -- from Starbucks bottomless cup of coffee
- Jay Leno
'Tickle me Elmo' sales are being overtaken by the new hot Christmas toy this year -- 'Heckle me Kramer' - David Letterman
Bonus: Link to a short very creative video clip with Kramer in a made-up Seinfeld Lost Episode
Killer Whale Attacks SeaWorld Trainer
The 'Alleged Killer' whale at Seaworld attacked a trainer during a show. Afterwords, the whale's attorney issued a statement that the whale was being pursued by Paparazzi and was molested by a sperm-whale when young - Jay Leno
Car Thief Stops To Smoke Crack During Police Chase
The police would have caught him earlier if they hadn't stopped for donuts during the chase - Jay Leno
Since she dumped her husband, Britney has been hanging out with Paris Hilton – Is this a good idea?
Paris is kind of an airhead with no job who parties all the time and recorded a CD no one wants to listen to - she’s like Kevin Federline II
- Jay Leno
Wal-Mart's November Not So Jolly
Wal-Mart has reported that it’s sales were down in November
-- Well, thank God that doesn’t affect anything made in America
-- In fact, things are so bad China may have to lay off 10,000 prison workers
-- Economists are saying that the 'cheap crap' business isn't what it used to be
- Jay Leno
Iowa governor enters race for presidency
Iowa governor Tom Vilsack officially announced he is running for president. He said his #1 priority for America—to get people to stop giggling at the name 'Vilsack' - Jay Leno
Hey what’s the difference between the Philadelphia Eagles and Billy Joel?
-- Billy Joel will be playing at the Super Bowl
Jay Leno
For today's humor visit Giglish.com
