Sexy secrets

Eva Longoria says her sexy secret is a Brazilian bikini wax.

Britney Spears had a secret like that, but somehow it got out.

- Jay Leno

Limbo no more

Vatican has abolished limbo reversing centuries of Roman Catholic traditional belief.

The Vatican parties will just not be the same without the Cardinals dancing under the holy pole.

Tour de dope

Tour de France officials are getting concerned about doping again and want to ban all riders implicated in last year’s scandal.

Officials got a bit suspicious when during training this year three teams tested positive for Barry Bonds.

Coffins at Costco

Universal Casket Company is now selling discounted coffins at your neighborhood Costco.

Costco may not have fully thought this through, as the coffins come in mega-packs of six.

Tyrannosaurus Chicken

Scientists have discovered the first genetic proof that Tyrannosaurus rex is a distant cousin to the modern chicken.

Scientists are still mystified by what came first, the T. rex or the egg.

Price is wrong

Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is getting some flack for not knowing the price of a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread.

But he does know what a wedding cake costs because he bought three of them.

- Jay Leno

Idol guest

Did you see "American Idol?" The guest judge was Jennifer Lopez.

For once, Simon Cowell wasn't the biggest ass on the show.

- Craig Ferguson

Fairy Tale Wedding

Disney has announced that it will now allow same-sex couples to participate in its Fairy Tale Wedding program.

In related news, Bashful and Happy have officially changed their names to Fabulous and Gay.

Trust fund father

Larry Birkhead says he doesn't plan to share legal custody of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a day after DNA tests proved he is the father.

Birkhead added, "I'm looking forward to giving Dannielynn and her trust account all my love and support."

Hunt for truth

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney claims to be a lifelong hunter even though he has gone hunting only twice in his life.

You know what this means; Rudy Giuliani has been married more often than Romney has gone hunting.

- Jay Leno

Amorous rats

A new drug, initially developed as a potential tanning agent, has been found to be an aphrodisiac for female rats.

Unfortunately female rats testing the new drug accidentally got caged with male rats testing Viagra and ‘Rat Spring Break' broke out.

Firefighter in a bikini

A Cincinnati firefighter was arrested after he was found drunk wearing a woman's blond wig and bikini in a public park.

Today, the Cincinnati Fire Department announced that they are doing away with "Casual Fridays."

- Jay Leno

More Spice

A Spice Girls reunion concert may be in the works. But Posh Spice, Scary Spice, and the others are demanding $10 million.

The $10 million price tag was thought up by the group's newest member, Delusional Spice.

- Conan O'Brien

Barbecue bad for you

According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for your prostate.  

Well, I'm glad they got this out in time. I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no idea it's bad for you. 

- Jay Leno

Polling politicians

Hillary Clinton, John Edwards and Barack Obama lead the pack in a new poll of Democratic candidates in New Hampshire.

In the first major surprise of the race, Al Gore came in behind Sanjaya Malakar. Al is demanding a recount.

Whitewater, the Movie

Plans are underway for a movie about the Clinton Whitewater scandal. Rumor is that Charlize Theron is going to play Susan MacDougal.

Bill Clinton has offered to personally debrief Charlize Theron, repeatedly if necessary.

Nickelodeon violence

In Los Angeles this weekend, shots were fired at a party following the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.

Nickelodeon Kids grow up so fast these days.

Waitresses Gone Wild

Producers of the "Girls Gone Wild" videos are opening a chain of "Girls Gone Wild" restaurants.

Apparently these restaurants are for everyone who while watching those videos has said, "I bet those girls are really good cooks."

- Conan O'Brien

Dakota dying

A group of Native Americans at an Indian reservation in Minnesota are trying to save the Dakota language from extinction.

The language is dying because there are no Dakota words for Blackjack or Video Poker.

- Jay Leno

Dear deer

A Wisconsin man received probation after he was convicted of having sex with a dead deer.

The man claims he kept hearing a voice in his head asking him to "Do a deer, a female deer..."

Nowak's new gig

Former astronaut Lisa Nowak has started her new job, writing training manuals for the navy.

It's a dream come true. She has wanted this job since she was in diapers.

- Jay Leno

R2D2 goes postal

The Postal Service is going to introduce a new set of Star Wars-themed stamps. In May they're going to issue a really cool set of Star Wars stamps.

Then in 15 years, they'll release a second set of Star Wars stamps that suck.

- Jimmy Kimmel

Skywalking over the canyon

An American Indian tribe in Arizona has built this skywalk over the Grand Canyon.

Environmentalists are shocked that a Native American tribe would desecrate their own sacred land with something other than a casino.

- Jimmy Kimmel

Tall tale of tying the knot

After searching high and low, the world's tallest man in China has married a much shorter and younger woman.

So now his better half is two-thirds his height, and half his age.